Domme ideeën over korte lontjes

Geschreven door Pieter Hilhorst

Dinsdag 28 April 2009 09:04

Afgelopen week werd ik in chocoladeletters tot de orde geroepen: “Voed ze op!” stond er op de voorpagina van de Telegraaf (21-4-2009). De krant deed verslag van een debat in de Tweede Kamer en de boodschap was duidelijk: ouders maken er een potje van en de buschauffeurs en het ambulancepersoneel zijn de klos. Kinderen moeten zich normaal gedragen en “weer u zeggen tegen de onderwijzers”. Ik voelde mij betrapt. Ik heb twee kinderen die echt niet altijd u zeggen tegen onderwijzers. Mijn dochter en mijn zoon leken me tot voor kort nog een aardig stel, maar nu begreep ik dat ik er ernstig rekening mee moest houden dat ze binnenkort een buschauffeur of een ambulancebroeder tegen de grond zullen meppen.

Attje Kuiken van de PvdA heeft een duidelijke verklaring voor de om zich heen grijpende verloedering. "We hebben veel te veel prinsjes en prinsesjes die het woord nee niet accepteren en een kort lontje hebben.” Dat komt volgens haar door een opvoedingsideaal waarbij maximale zelfontplooiing voorop staat. Daarom is het ikke, ikke, ikke en de rest kan stikken. Haar devies is duidelijk: wat we nodig hebben zijn strenge vaders en moeders die kinderen weer op hun plaats weten te zetten.

Iedereen heeft wel eens te maken met onbeschoftheid. Ik ook. Laatst werd er vijf keer achter elkaar aangebeld. Geïrriteerd liep ik naar de voordeur. Daar stond een bezorger van TNT post. Ik vroeg hem waarom hij vijf keer aanbelde. Hij begon gelijk te dreigen. “Zal ik het pakje dan weer meenemen? Dat je het op het postkantoor moet ophalen? Ik heb nog wel meer te doen.” Ik probeerde hem nog uit te leggen dat als er niemand thuis is, vijf keer bellen geen zin heeft en als er wel iemand is, vijf keer bellen nogal vervelend is. Mijn rustige toon mocht niet baten. De man stond op het punt me een lel te verkopen. Dus deed ik er het zwijgen toe.

Was dit korte lontje nou het resultaat van een opvoedingsideaal van maximale zelfontplooiing? Dat lijkt me sterk. Het leek me een Marokkaanse jongen en het aantal Marokkaanse ouders dat hun kinderen een hippieopvoeding geeft waarbij maximale zelfontplooiing voorop staat is niet bijster groot. Mijn onverkwikkelijkheid aan de voordeur verschilt niet veel met al die incidenten met ambulancepersoneel, treinconducteurs en buschauffeurs. Waar het aan schort is het vermogen om op een vreedzame manier een conflict te beslechten. Dit gebrek aan tact is overigens niet voorbehouden aan de onbeschofte burger. Laatst sprak ik een buschauffeur die me vertelde dat zijn werkgever had bezuinigd op de trainingen hoe om te gaan met agressie. Niet zo slim als je bedenkt dat het merendeel van de incidenten in het openbaar vervoer ontstaan naar aanleiding van zwartrijden.

Mijn stelling is dat een autoritaire opvoedingsstijl waarbij kinderen hun plaats moeten weten, niet helpt bij het vreedzaam beslechten van conflicten. Integendeel. Kinderen leren dan om zich te schikken, niet om iets uit te praten. Mijn kinderen zeggen misschien niet altijd u, maar praten kunnen ze wel. Op het plein waar mijn kinderen vaak spelen staat een kunstwerk in de vorm van een kastanjeschil. Als mijn zoontje met speelkameraden ruzie kreeg dan moesten ze in de kastanjeschil gaan zitten. Ze mochten er pas uit als ze in goed overleg een oplossing hadden gevonden. Zo werden ze gedwongen om zich te verplaatsen in een ander.

In de documentaire Groep 8 van Bregtje van der Haak (Tegenlicht 2-3-2009) over de oudste klas van een Amsterdamse gemengde basisschool zie je dat de leerkracht precies hieraan veel tijd besteedt. Kinderen die een ander pesten worden apart gezet en gedwongen om het uit te praten en zich in een ander te verplaatsen. Het klinkt heel soft, maar het is een permanente training in de vreedzame beslechting van conflicten. Het is een werkelijkheid waar Attje Kuiken geen weet van lijkt te hebben. Voor haar zijn er alleen maar prinsen en prinsesjes die eens keihard moeten worden aangepakt. Ze laat zichzelf daarmee kennen als iemand voor wie het belangrijker is om op je strepen te staan dan om in een ander te verplaatsen. Ze draagt zo geen oplossing aan, maar is onderdeel van het probleem. Want als er één houding funest is voor een vreedzame oplossing van een conflict dan is het wel de overtuiging dat het tijd is om de ander eens een lesje te leren. ‘Voed ze op’ schrijft de Telegraaf. Als het om hysterische politici gaat, ben ik het daar van harte mee eens.

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